According to Hoyle
by Guavi
Summary: “Tyki.” No response. “Hey, Tyki!” Nil. “TyyyYYyYYYkkiiIIIi!” She whined, making sure to put an extra special annoying pitch onto the elongated vowels. He didn’t even look up. “No. Your games are scary, Road.” “Fine, then. Maybe Allen will play with me."
1. Name of the Game

**According to Hoyle:**

_**Name of the Game**_

* * *

This is a story about the strange little girl named Road Kamelot.

Road, who is currently sitting on the _round_ rug because she has already sat _in_ the armchair for two hours, _on_ the armchair for ten minutes, on the couch for an hour, attempted to push Tyki off the other couch for twenty minutes, and paced on the _oval_ rug for a while after that. Road, who is skipping school (again) and not on a mission (again) and trying to get Tyki to amuse her because Lero is not home (_again_).

This is a story about Road, and her wondrous quest to…to do something. Anything. Anything at all but homework or staring at the back of Tyki's head or talking to Lero because that's getting old. Lero's not home, anyways.

And – oh, look, she doesn't have to stare at the back of Tyki's head anymore. He's turned around. Now Road gets treated to the magnificent view of Tyki's front end…which was obscured by the back cover of some book that looks like it's been with Tyki while he was in his white mode, complete with the shabbiness and muck and what's with that hideous font that dares to masquerade as a title!? She could swear the damn thing is _glaring_ at her. If Road didn't like Tyki so much (when he wasn't ignoring her) she would have skewered the book with a candle onto whatever's behind it. Namely the reader's skull and maybe the couch too, if she got a long enough projectile and made it go fast enough.

But, as you already know, Road likes her family. Road likes Tyki. Very, very much.

Just…not _as_ much right now.

"Tyki," she droned for the umpteenth time. No response. Again. She prodded at his sides with one of her candles – not sharpened, of course. Road likes Tyki.

No response.

Prod.

Nope.

Poke_stab_.

Zip. Nil.

"TyyyYYyyyYkkiiIIIi!" She whined, making sure to put an extra special annoying pitch onto the elongated vowels. Tyki didn't even look up from the book.

"_TYYYKIIIIIIIII!!_"

Tyki Mikk blinked. It wasn't very often that the little lady actually _screeched_. Whine, yes. Bleat, yes. Demand with or without stabbing with sharp pointy objects, very big yes. But not screech. Screeching is not…cute.

The miniscule reaction did not go unnoticed. "Tyki," Road continued sweetly, all smiles and sparkles and any trace of a bubbling tantrum gone, "Let's play a game."

Road _is_ adorable. But only when she wants to be.

"No," Tyki said in a monotone, also for the umpteenth (but not _as_ big of an umpteenth) time. "Your games are scary, Road."

Road pouted. "Tyki is scared? But I promised I'll be nice to Tyki and maybe even let you win a couple of times!"

The sound of a page being flipped. _Flip_. "No. That was just a comment." Still not looking up. "I want to finish this book before I see the orphans again."

_So the book_ was_ with him in his white mode. One of the orphans', to boot._ "What's so great about that book?" Road continued to pout. "The cover doesn't like me! And why do you have to return it anyways? Just give them something else. I'm bored!"

_Flip_. A little louder this time. "Why do you always bother _me_ when you are bored?"

"Because I like Tyki."

"That's sweet of you. Now if you _really_ like me, you will _kindly_ leave me alone for a few hours."

"Let's check…nope, not right now."

Silence.

_Flip_.

"Fine, _be_ that way. Maybe _Allen_ will play with me."

"Yeah, you do that."

_Slam._

A "Road-Tama—Lero!" from somewhere out in the hallways, a _clang_ ("Looks like Lero's back and ran into Miss Grouch.") and Lero's odd squeal at being manhandled.

A "_pop_."

The sound of another door being opened, somewhere beyond the slammed-shut entrance to _this_ room. No footsteps.

_Flip._

Another "_pop_;" something had just vanished from this dimension.

"…Damn. She really left."

…

"This could get troublesome, don't you think, Tease?"

…

"Oh come _on_, don't eat the book."

* * *

The name of the game is "Let's Kill Boredom."

Rules? There are no rules.

Well, okay. Maybe one: If Road gets mad – wait, no, no, she wouldn't _really_ get mad. The only things that could truly make her mad can't possibly will not never ever happen.

So, how's this:

If Road gets bored, you lose.

Aw, come on, don't give me that face. It's fair. Road is always fair.

A lot fairer than Tyki's games.

And it's not like Road breaks her toys as much as the Earl does (oh, but he doesn't always call them his _toys_).

Because if it was the Earl playing, the name of the game would have been "Let's Kill Exorcists" or something.

Sounds better now? Good.

So let's play.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

I finished D.Gray-Man in 3 days, starting 4 days ago. All 162 chapters of it. Of course, my strange affinity for antagonists have kicked in once more. And so this was born. Maybe it will be funny and silly, maybe it will be dark and twisted, maybe it will be happy and gushy. Maybe all that and then some.

Needless to say, spoilers galore.

This occurs in a parallel universe, some time after the whole Ark thing and before Lulu Bell infiltrates HQ. I took the liberties to use fandom magic to insert some time and maybe alter some events and just plain ignore other things altogether.

Pairings? Maybe. I have spent a grand total of 4 days on this world, 3 reading the manga and 1 skimming fandom. That's not nearly long enough for pairing attachments to settle in for me. But it (probably) won't be the focus of this wandering story.

This is a pet-fic (YES I AM WORKING ON OTHER STUFF TOO). I have NO idea where it's going. It will be updated as the fancy strikes, aka sporadically. So. Reviews will influence the speed, the route and the destination; and…enjoy the ride. Seat belt's not included. I deny responsibilities for any injuries caused. :D


	2. Child's Prey

_**Child's Prey**_

* * *

High above the ground in the general airspace surrounding the dark and ominous and gravity-defying tower known as the Black Order Headquarters, a little girl sat on a pink umbrella in an equally gravity-defying manner.

They say that the journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step.

Well, Road took that first step. She is just not entirely certain where to go from there. After all, there are _so many_ possible ways to play when it comes to Allen…and so many ways to get into trouble. Especially considering that her object of interest is currently inside the dark and ominous tower filled with people who would just love to tear her guts out and deck the halls with it. Not that they could no matter how hard they tried, even with all the generals there.

The most trouble-inducing methods tend to be the most fun, of course. Although there is the possibility that all the pathetic attempts at killing her could get annoying…

And so with a final, resolute nod, Road headed for the tower's underground entrance. As much fun as the reactions induced by a direct encounter with the gatekeeper might be, it is unlikely that she could get to the Catch of the Day that way. Maybe next time, when she feels like messing with the entire Order.

And…ah, no fun thing of Road's ever came without Lero's complai –

"Road-tama!"

Here it comes.

"Road-tama is not supposed to be going into the enemies' _headquarters_–lero! Road-tama could get into big trouble-lero! What if Road-tama gets caught by the generals-lero!? What if –"

"Shut up, umbrella, or it will be your fault when we get caught," Road merely muttered as she entered the waterways. Why did she drag the noisemaker along at the last second, again? Oh, right, transportation. Briefly she wished she had Tyki's walk-on-anything skills. Then she pondered the merits of "Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver" to remedy the golem's one shortcoming.

…nah, silver SO clashes with Pumpkin and pink. Unlike the lovely color of blood, which goes with just about anything other than blindingly neon green.

Speaking of appearances, Road wasn't exactly sure how she was going to pull off getting into the Order undetected to surprise Allen, now that more than a few Exorcists knew exactly who she was. A big red door materializing out of nowhere is just the teensiest bit conspicuous and not the most fun possibility. Lulubell's abilities would come in mighty handy right about now. Or Tyki's. But pretending to be a part of the wall wasn't nearly as exciting.

Oh, look. A useless innocent bystander they liked to call a Finder had just gotten out of the elevator, all alone.

…There are a lot of Finders in the Black Order. Kind of like canon fodder, compared to Exorcists who usually lasted a little longer and are therefore given the honor of being dubbed target practice.

Hmmm.

Hmmmmmmm.

_Excellent_.

"Lero, go away for a little while."

"But, Road-tama –"

"Understood? Good."

* * *

As the status quo dictates, Allen Walker is currently sitting in front of a steadily growing mountain of empty dishes while a simply _enraptured_ Jerry delivered plate after plate to the table at regular intervals. (Komui had said something about constructing a conveyer belt for Allen to make the deliveries, seeing as Jerry's frequent trips to the boy's favorite table had begun to take its toll on the granite floor. The Order – or rather, those who remembered/dared to turn in the ballot – rejected the proposal by a vote of 489-to-1, on account of Komui's inclination to adding extra _features_ when it comes to building machinery. The single vote of approval was a rescue device agreed upon by the entire Order so that Komui could not validly charge any specific person with attempting to "undermine his better judgment," since the possibility that he or she could have been the _one_ always existed.) The more normal stomachs have long since left the cafeteria to do…whatever it is that they did. The Order operates somewhat on a "Don't ask, don't tell" basis when it comes to its members' private lives and hobbies, since it would truly be in everybody and their golem's sanity's best interest for certain mysteries to _remain_ mysterious.

Like Allen's bottomless abyss of a tummy, for instance. The white-haired Exorcist's friends have long since given up questioning his insatiable appetite. But that doesn't mean they have understood it.

"Just look at him…I mean, where does it all _go_?" Lavi declared with a dramatic flourish to his not-exactly-willing-but-amused-nonetheless audience of one single Exorcist – quite a large crowd, considering the current akuma-extermination population hung by a thread over the pit of extinction. The present "crowd" being Lenalee, to be precise. "If my visual input is functioning like it should, that bean sprout has already stuffed the equivalent of 157.6 percent of his not-too-impressive body mass down his gullet and is still going strong. Now, if you try to convert what he has eaten into his average energy output…"

Well, okay. They still question it. But they no longer expected science and logic to come up with a convincing explanation of the unnatural phenomenon.

"…and the sprout's still puny!" Lavi finished with a grandiose gesture toward nowhere in particular and nudged at the still-busily-eating Allen.

Allen pretended to have not heard him. At this moment, food held a higher priority on his list.

Bookman Junior, on the other hand, does not appreciate being ignored. He also had a few other choice ideas up his sleeve.

"One of these days," he continued, "we should put Allen on a scale while he eats just to test some law of nature. Matter can't be created or destroyed under regular circumstances and that whole enchilada. Or does the matter enter at one end while coming ou–"

"LAVI!" Ever the sane-and-proper (rare traits and an even rarer combo here at the Black Order), Lenalee halted the entourage of words with a well-aimed smack to the offender's head. "Some of us are still trying to _eat_ here!"

"But, mother!" Lavi exclaimed, face slobbered in mock-hurt, "I didn't use any bad words!"

He was not graced with a response from the girl, who had turned back to her barely-touched chicken noodle soup.

"Fine," he pouted. "You all hate me." The redhead scanned the large, empty hall to find someone else to bother, fully expecting to come out empty-handed. Figuratively, of course. Not that Lavi had never applied the saying to its full literal meaning before when searching for people.

Instead, he was greeted by the sight of a Finder standing a few feet behind Allen. The Finder was neither particularly large nor being awfully noisy. His drawn-up hood only served to further his inconspicuousness against the monotonic stone-and-wood background. No wonder Lavi hadn't paid the little guy much mind during his mini monologue.

"I didn't know Finders come in a size smaller than Allen," he blurted out.

That finally caught Allen's attention…or nerves. "Mmnh?" He turned to see what in the world could have possessed the nerve to pause his meal, only to be met with –

"AAALLLLLEEEENNNNN!!"

A glomp.

And…oh, here comes a smooch.

Figures Allen still can't react fast enough to _that_.

Wait, why is the Finder emitting such a little-girlish voice and…giggling and…_smooching_ him?

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Pause.

Rewind.

Well, isn't _this_ a familiar scene. In that case…the replay-style smooch was almost obligatory.

_What a sick, sick world_, thought the paralyzed mind of Allen Walker. That boy's way too nice to produce this kind of dark statements in an un-traumatized state.

"R…Ro…" Allen stared as he froze stock-still in the clutches of the little she-demon. Unfortunately for him, there is no scandalized talking umbrella to free him from the predicament this time.

Somewhere next to the pair, a bowl of chicken noodle soup clattered to the floor, splattering its contents all over the cold stone floors and Lavi's right leg.

But Lavi is a bit too stunned to notice that just yet.

"You…you…" He gaped, in a quite clichéd manner, the way a bubbly-eyed goldfish devotes its entire attention to a piece of fish food. "You're alive! And…you're…" The redhead paused to take a deep breath before he started turning blue. "You're _here_! HERE! When? How? Why?"

The shock was great, indeed. It seems to not have occurred to any of them to activate their weapons or start screaming for help. Yet.

Road glanced at the other two with an adorable pixie-smile that nevertheless sent shivers down the Exorcists' spines. "Thanks for the welcome!" She chirped. "Got here about ten minutes ago! Your security sucks. The only thing it guards against is physical entrance by lower-leveled akuma. It wasn't all that hard." She tightened her grip on Allen, who had regained enough senses to resume blinking. "I was bored. I only came to ask Allen if he would play with me. I'm not here to kill anybody or take stuff or anything."

Lavi's blood ran cold at his memories of the last time Road proposed to play a _game_ with him. His hand reached for his hammer out of reflex. "Hell n–"

"Bookman Junior," Road stated, her tone of voice suddenly much darker than her appearance suggested possible, "must I remind you that none of you are in any position to refuse?"

Lavi's hand froze; Allen stopped blinking again; Lenalee emitted a small gasp.

"That's right," the little girl cooed, "nothing can hurt me in this world. Oh, by the way, remember that time you fought Tyki in Edo?" Her smile curved into a positively sinister grin. "When Tyki had Miss Lovely over there?" Black eyes glinted a malicious yellow. "He planted a little…device in her, just in case. Of course, it's not our goal to get her right now, but we wouldn't mind an Exorcist going 'ka-BOOM,' really." The aura of malevolence was instantly replaced by rainbows and sparkles at the end of the sentence as the pixie-smile returned once more. "So don't try pulling anything like run screaming to the generals, okay? That wouldn't be fun at all."

Road was just bluffing about the ka-boom part. But they didn't have to know that. Those Exorcists would never risk doing anything that could call the bluff. She nodded happily at the dilemma she had set before them. But, ohoho, there's _more_.

"Or, if you _really_ don't want to play, I can always call in a couple dozen level 3s," she remarked in an offhand manner. "The destruction will be interesting to watch, at any rate. It also appears the Duke Millennium would_ love_ to have the Ark back. Lulubell will come help, too, if it comes to that."

Her inner devil cackled gleefully as the three tensed further.

It was Allen who spoke up first. "I'll play your game," he said in his best coldly polite voice – as coldly polite as he could manage while talking to an obsessive girl clinging to him like a life jacket after the boat's capsized. "As long as you do not get any more people involved and do not hurt anybody else."

Road squeaked happily and planted another kiss on Allen's cheek. "Teehee! I promise to remove Miss Lovely's boom-device after the game!" Not that there are any to begin with. She grabbed Allen by the hand and dragged him down the empty halls, giggling all the while, as the other two followed behind in an apprehensive trot. "Let's go play! It'll be interesting, promise!"

* * *

_Flip._

…

_Flip._

…

"It's too quiet in here! I can't concentrate."

* * *

"Hey…ewwww, is that chicken soup on my pants? Grroooossss…when did THAT get on here!?"

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

Go figure Tyki would find the absence of a demanding girl-child so out of the norm that he can't function properly. XD I have no idea how many Jesus jokes you can pull with his walk-on-water abilities; I'm guessing a lot. And Lero is the ultimate fuel-efficient vehicle, yes. 8D;

The fact that duct tape was originally developed in the 1940s as a sealing tape for ammunition during WWII, at least 50 years after when DGM was supposed to have taken place, is totally being ignored. XD;

Lavi is an integral part of a nutritious comedy. His part just grew and _grew_ (like his hammer) and came out way larger than I had anticipated.

Indeed, the other occupants of the Order are suspiciously absent during the whole encounter. Hmmmm.

So I was drawing fanarts a short while ago, and was lacking a title. So I snagged the already-planned title for this chapter and used it for the piece of fanart as well. It's on my DA page, which is linked as "homepage" on my profile, for the curious.

Until next time the muse strikes, my dears. Unless you review, in which case you will almost certainly receive a reply.


End file.
